we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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