Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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