I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
