Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
