I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
