I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
