It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Mom said you looked used
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
