o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
