I don't usually arrange sex via text message
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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