new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
