When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
