Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
