he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
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You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I need water and some morals
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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