It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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