Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
