I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
