the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
soo... how was my night?
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