Is it normal to miss your booty call?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
