I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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