I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
