i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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