I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
