This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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