it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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