The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
