Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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