my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
