i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
