I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
