Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
3pm strippers are depressing
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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