Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
How's work?
Spinning.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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