I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
