Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
