me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
