you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
