I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
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Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
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In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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