I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm passing your future prison.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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