i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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