i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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