is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
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I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
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I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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