Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
