I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
