im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
