is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
