and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
