we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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