I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
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I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
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I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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