That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
