he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Please don't give away my fajitas
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
