Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
