I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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