I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
