She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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