I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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