I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
