I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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